


"The Gang Tries Buddhism"

by remyroth



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Buddhism, Gen, Meditation, enlightenment, spirituality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29451408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remyroth/pseuds/remyroth
Summary: Charlie steals a book on Buddhism from the waitress; Mac is determined to take down Buddhism; Dennis desperately wants to prove to Dee that he can reach enlightenment.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Dee Reynolds, Charlie Kelly & Mac McDonald, Charlie Kelly & The Waitress (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), Dee Reynolds & Dennis Reynolds, Dennis Reynolds & Frank Reynolds, Mac McDonald & Dee Reynolds
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	"The Gang Tries Buddhism"

**9:30 AM**

**On a Tuesday**

**Philadelphia, PA**

Mac, Dennis and Frank are sitting at the bar counter while Dee stands behind it, rinsing and wiping glasses with a cloth.

“Guys, guess what!” Charlie calls out, opening the door and energetically approaching the group.

“You know,” Dennis says, hunched over the counter surface, “people could save so much time if they just _said_ what they wanted to say, instead of demanding that people guess.” He smiles at the end while looking at Dee, expecting validation in the form of a mutual smile.

“Well, actually,” Charlie retorts, “it would have been faster if you guessed, but now we’re having this long conversation, and–”

“What is it Charlie?” Dee interrupts, urging him to his point.

Charlie reveals a book from behind his back, extending it outwards. “I got this from the waitress!”

“She _gave_ that to you?” Mac inquires in surprise.

“Well, no,” Charlie clarifies with less excitement, “I borrowed it. I’m borrowing it.”

“No offence Charlie but, I just can’t see the waitress willingly lending you anything – especially a _book_ of all things,” Dee responds with a hint of pity.

“So, you stole it,” Dennis concludes in continuance of Dee’s comment.

“No, I didn’t steal it, because I’ll be giving it back.”

“Something tells me she won’t be wanting it back afterwards,” Frank chimes in suggestively.

“Yuck, Frank, no, that’s not it. No, you guys, I’m just _reading_ the book, you know? It’s like, maybe if I read the same stuff she reads, we’ll be more compatible.”

“That’s not usually literal, Charlie. Besides, aren’t you illiterate?” Dennis realizes.

“No, I’m not. I’ve been reading the dictionary, actually.”

Dee looks up, pausing. “Wouldn’t the dictionary just be a bunch of nonsense, too?”

“Guys, shut up,” Mac butts in. “Charlie, what’s the book? What sort of stuff is she into?”

Charlie sits down on the stool next to Mac, putting the book on the counter. He slides his hand over the cover, eyeing the title with absolute incomprehension.

“’Buddhism.’”

“Oh no,” Mac exclaims, stumbling off the back of his stool in complete repulsion and panic. “Charlie – _don’t_ touch that. Quick, where do we keep the holy water?”

Dennis’ lips flatten as he holds his beer bottle mid-air. “Where do we keep,” he cuts himself off mid-sentence in pure disbelief. “Yeah, you know what Mac? Our taps are actually set up to run with holy water. You can get some from the bathroom.”

Mac hesitates, his gaze shifting between Dennis and the book. He nods slowly. “We’d better play it safe,” he says, rushing to the bathroom.

**"The Gang Tries Buddhism"**

**It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia**

**Starring**

**Charlie Day**

**Glenn Howerton**

**Rob McElhenney**

**Kaitlin Olson**

**And Danny Devito as "Frank Reynolds"**

“Buddhism, huh?” Dee asks, dismissive of Mac’s usual religious ignorance. “You know, I’ve always been sort of interested in it.”

“Is that the one with the sex book?” Frank attempts to remember.

“No, that’s Hinduism Frank, and it’s the Kama Sutra,” Dennis clarifies, his eyelids folding over and a subtle vain grin appearing. “I’ve got that one memorized.”

Dee sighs. “Of course you do. You know, it would actually be nice to meditate.” She lifts her chin and closes her eyes, fantasizing. “Imagine just sitting there, legs crossed, breathing, doing nothing–”

“Dee, you _already_ do nothing,” Dennis interrupts nonchalantly.

Dee tilts her head down again, putting down her glass, lifting her arms in frustration. “Dennis, are you kidding me? _I_ do nothing?”

“Did you invest in this bar?”

Dee falls short of answering.

“There you go.”

“Oh!” Frank spits, “Buddhism! I remember now. I banged a Chinese broad once.”

“Alright, that’s actually kind of racist, Frank. You can’t just assume they’re all from China,” Dee lectures, returning to her task, accustomed to the abuse from her brother.

“Where are the Buddhisms from?” Charlie asks genuinely, leaning toward the others.

Dee falls short again, letting out a small ‘hm.’ “Buddhists, and I don’t know, actually.”

“Well,” Charlie breaths out, “I want to know. I want to find out as much as I can about this thing.”

“Go for it,” Dee suggests. “I might even join you. I think it’s about time I took some time to relax and reflect. Really find some inner peace.”

“Inner peace?” Dennis chuckles. “I’m sorry, Dee, but you’re a _little_ high strung. I don’t think you’re cut out for it.”

“ _I’m_ not cut out for Buddhism?” Dee asks defensively, transitioning to offence. “Like _you_ could do it.”

“I could,” Dennis answers confidently.

“You could? Really? Okay. Can you sit for long periods of time, not moving?”

“Easy,” he shrugs.

“Can you separate yourself from your _ego?_ ”

Dennis inhales sharply, leaning forward on the counter toward his sister. “Dee, listen. I have so much self-control and self-discipline, that at times I’ve questioned my own mortality.”

“Your own mortality?” Frank smirks.

“Yes Frank, mortality. At times I’ve questioned if I am perhaps, _divine_. But the important thing is that I can accomplish anything I set out to do. If I want to blend my inner self with that of the outside world, as the Buddhists do, I can.”

“The irony is just spilling over,” Dee giggles.

“There’s not – shut up, Dee, there’s no irony. I can do it.”

“Wanna bet?”

“No,” Dennis catches himself, “because a Buddhist _wouldn’t_ bet.”

“Buddhists don’t gamble?” Charlie asks, emulative of a student. “Is that a mandatory thing?”

“They also don’t drink,” Dee explains.

“Anything?”

“No, alcohol. So Dennis, you’d better enjoy that beer,” she says, pointing to his bottle.

Dennis’ eyes widen. He relentlessly downs the bottle, releasing for a breath.

“Fine,” he says, “but I’m going to prove you wrong. Next time you see me I’ll be enlightened, and you’ll still be here cleaning cups.”

“You know what, Dennis?” Mac calls, the bathroom door shutting behind him. “There was maintenance on the bathroom last month, so I know for a _fact_ that holy water isn’t coming out of the taps.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Dennis falsely agrees, taking a final swig of beer. “But the office water cooler has some.”

A hopeful smile appears on Mac’s face.

Dennis and Frank enter a second-floor room for meditation. It has a large open space with periodic support beams. Many individuals are sitting cross legged with blankets on the hardwood floor.

“We paid money to sit on cushions and not talk?” Frank asks Dennis, looking out at the room, a stained flat pillow under his arm.

“We paid money to prove Dee wrong. And I’ll have to pay you back, by the way. It’s just not a good time for me financially.”

Frank rolls his eyes and walks with Dennis to an available space.

“So, what do we do, just put the pillow down and do nothing?” Frank follows up loudly. Dennis tenses up, aware of the various glances from other people.

“Frank, quiet down. This is a sacred place of _silent_ meditation. And yes, you sit down and do nothing.”

“For how long?”

“I don’t know, just a long time.”

“Are we talking an hour?”

“Is this going to be an issue for you?”

“No,” Frank shrugs, positioning himself, “I actually have no problem sitting around doing nothing. In fact, the _longer_ the better.”

“Okay, good. I need you as a witness.” Dennis looks around, and leans in to whisper, “the Buddhist in me was avoiding saying it, but what the _hell_ are you wearing?”

“You said comfortable,” Frank answers bluntly. He is wearing a bathrobe.

“Did you have to bring a _fuzzy_ one? This is meditation, not the spa.”

“I only have one robe. And what’s with the silks?”

Dennis smiles proudly, his posture straightening. “This, Frank, is an authentic robe from a Tibetan monk.”

Frank tilts his head, looking at the material. “That old guy with the goodwill store on 12th street?”

Dennis’ mouth flattens, “…yes, but it was passed down from his ancestors who _were_ monks, and not crackheads in Philadelphia.”

“I just don’t see why you need to look good to sit.”

“Well, everyone cares a _little_ bit about how they present themselves, even the Buddhists. I mean,” he laughs a little at the thought, “as much as we hate it, appearance is a major component of a functioning society.”

“I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?”

“Nah,” Frank sniffles and shuts his eyes, beginning to meditate.

“Not even a little?”

“Nope.”

Dennis visibly shifts to probe him further, but resists. He takes a deep breath, adjusts his robe so that the two sides cross evenly at the center of his chest, and closes his eyes. Over the span of a few seconds, he lifts and lowers his shoulders, and tilts his head back and forth. His index fingers and thumbs connect, then immediately disconnect in abandonment. He opens one eye to peer at his partner, who is sitting perfectly still.

This makes him open both eyes in surprise and irritation. He takes another deep breath and attempts once again, failing. Annoyed, he looks across the room and sees a woman packing up her materials. She notices him staring, and smiles. Dennis is pleasantly surprised and returns a wave.

“Frank,” he whispers, still watching her. “I think this robe is doing the trick. Frank? Frank?”

There is no response, as Frank sits in complete silence, motionless.

“Hah, he gets it.”

Dee is in her apartment in comfortable clothing. She sits down on her couch, crossing her legs, closing her eyes, breathing deeply. A few seconds pass.

“God damnit,” she mutters, opening her eyes and shuffling. She lifts herself off the couch and tosses one of the pillows to the floor.

“Okay, that’s more like it,” she smiles with satisfaction. The smile remains as she proceeds with meditation.

Her phone vibrates on the table next to the couch with a violent buzz, prompting a loud gasp. She grabs the device and see’s ‘Mac’ as the caller ID.

“What, Mac?” she snaps, the phone at her ear, “…the water cooler is _behind_ the desk…yeah, it’s been blessed or whatever…yeah…okay, okay. Bye.”

Dee puts the phone back down, sighing deeply, repositioning herself. A moment passes, and she turns the phone off entirely, throwing it at the couch.

“You know what?” she says, “This is _my_ time. You guys are the reason I can’t relax.”

She lifts her eyebrows in pride, finally relaxing.

Charlie is in his apartment, sprawled out on his bed, reading the book. He has a pair of reading glasses on. There is a knock at the door. Charlie approaches in apprehension, and Mac is outside, carrying a giant jug of water and a bible.

“Charlie, I can’t let you read that book,” Mac warns as he enters, putting down the jug.

“Why not?”

“It’s a sin.”

Charlie looks at the Buddhism book, “I don’t know man. First of all, it’s too late because I’ve already read some of it. But dude, it’s actually kind of crazy.”

“You _read it_? God damnit!”

“Do you wanna hear some of it? I’ve gotta talk to someone about this.”

“What? No, I can’t hear that. _That’s_ a sin. That’s _blasphemy._ ”

“Well, hey man, I’m trying my best to be open and stuff about these religions now. So, I get it if you don’t want to hear.”

Mac pauses in contemplation and begins to pace. “See…the part of me that’s Christian is saying no. But the part of me that’s a total badass and warrior of God is saying, ‘ _hey, maybe you should know, because then you can help warn other people against it.’_ ”

“Yeah, totally man, okay,” Charlie agrees with uncertainty. “But can you wait to pour all that holy water until I’m done?”

“Oh yeah, of course,” Mac says nicely, eagerly sitting on the edge of the bed. “Okay. Give me the scoop. And remember, this isn’t because I’m interested.”

“Right,” Charlie says, taking in a breath to read.

“It’s because I’m undercover, getting intel for God.”

“…right,” Charlie repeats with less confidence this time. Mac rubs his hands together in excitement. “Alright, so, first. Get this. Frank was wrong about them being Chinese.”

“What are they then?” Mac asks.

“Cuban.”

“Cuban?”

“Cuban. You know, those dudes in the Bay of Pigs, that whole thing.”

“Wait, so that was a Buddhist thing?” Mac chains on.

“Maybe man, I don’t know for sure, but the book keeps mentioning Cubans.”

“See,” Mac rants, “this is what happens when religion gets involved with politics. I _knew_ Buddhism was dirty.”

“Well,” Charlie sighs, beginning to flip through the book’s pages, “you’re not gonna like this next one then. The words ‘go death’ keep showing up, over and over again.”

“’Go death.’ Is that a cheer or something?”

“Kind of sounds like one. This is like, some sort of pro-death subliminal brainwashing.”

Mac looks directly at Charlie, caught off guard. “Charlie, how do you know those words?”

“I told you, I’ve been reading the dictionary.”

Mac’s confused face morphs into one of surprised satisfaction.

“Here’s another one. Brace yourself Mac, because this one is kind of messed up.”

Mac visibly tenses in anticipation.

“’Re-castration,’” he says, tilting his head back to see through his glasses, Mac’s expression growing more and more distraught as he reads, “which, if I understand correctly, just based on common sense, is when you cut someone’s penis off, put it back on, then cut it off _again_.”

“What the _hell_ dude?” Mac exclaims, standing up. “That can’t be right!”

“Hey, the Buddhists wrote it, not me. This _is_ a popular religion, isn’t it?”

“There must be millions of dickless dudes in China right now…I’m going to be sick…”

Charlie nervously observes his own crotch. “If this is what the waitress is into, I don’t know man…”

“Okay,” Mac says, regaining his composure. “What else is there? Just rip the Band-Aid off.”

“Okay, well,” Charlie says while refocusing, “they keep talking about ‘light mints.’”

“Oh. Quite the jump there.”

“Yeah, man.”

“That one doesn’t sound too bad to me.”

“No man. Just sounds like they eat mints. Maybe it’s like, how you eat those Jesus cookies at the church,” Charlie references.

“They’re Jesus crackers, actually.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. Alright so this last one kind of intrigued me, in a sort of, _what are the benefits of this_ kind of way.”

“Alright, what is it?”

“’Marinating in manure.’”

“Wait,” Mac pauses, “like, literally? What does that even mean?”

“I imagine it’s just like, they’re in their cave or whatever, and they sorta surround themselves with manure, and maybe it connects them to nature, or something,” Charlie reasons.

“Charlie, that’s disgusting.”

“Well, honestly, it doesn’t seem too bad, but yeah, yeah, no, that’s gross,” Charlie trails off.

“…that doesn’t sound right, but at the same time, it kind of makes sense given all the other things. I knew I was right about this. God! I can’t believe so many innocent people have been dragged into this. It’s like a cult! We’ve got to stop Dee!”

Charlie is observing his crotch again as Mac forms his conclusion. “You don’t think I’ll have to do the re-castration part, do you? That’s almost a deal breaker for me.”

Dennis and Frank stroll down the street after the meditation session, still in their robes.

“I feel lighter, Frank. I genuinely feel lighter. But in a spiritual sense. You know what I mean?”

Frank says nothing, calmly walking alongside him.

“Frank?”

“Oh?” Frank spurts, looking up at Dennis. “Oh, yeah, I know.”

“I know you were like, falling asleep or whatever, but you should have seen it. Pure bliss. The universe was truly entering me.”

Frank continues to be unresponsive.

“Wait, I didn’t mean that like, the universe was having _sex_ with me, if that’s what you think.”

No response.

“If anything, _I_ was having sex with the _universe_. _I_ entered the universe _._ Not the other way around.”

Dennis looks to Frank with slight panic, assuming the silence to be silent judgement.

“Believe me, _I’d_ be doing the entering.”

Frank says nothing. As they walk, he watches two birds fly across the street from one lamp post to another, smiling.

“Anyway, if Dee were there, she would have kept fidgeting, or complaining, like ‘ _oh, the pillow is too lumpy’_ or _‘the blanket is scratching me.’”_

Frank grunts passively.

“Frank, I’ve got to be honest, this conversation feels especially one-sided. What’s going on with you?”

“Let’s enjoy the sunshine,” Frank says calmly and distantly.

“Well, we don’t have time for that. We need to go to Dee and tell her what happened. I can’t _wait_ to see the look on her face. Oh, and remind me to call that cute girl. She definitely made me feel _enlightened_ , if you know what I mean.”

Dennis laughs as if Frank understands, waving him away playfully.

Dee is sitting motionless in her apartment. She is jolted out of her calmness as someone begins to knock aggressively on the door. She groans at her inability to ignore it, getting up to answer. She opens the door to reveal Mac and Charlie. Mac has the giant jug of water and immediately splashes her with it.

“What the _shit_ Mac?” she shrieks, Mac passing her dripping body, Charlie following after with the book in his hand.

“Dee, have you had the impulse to murder recently?”

Dee watches them pass in complete shock. “What? Have I wanted to _kill people,_ Mac? No, I haven’t wanted to _murder_ anyone. Why the hell did you just throw water on me?”

“To cleanse you,” Mac scoffs. “Why haven’t you picked up any of my calls?”

Dee is flicking water off herself in unamused defeat. “Well, actually, I realized that constantly attending to all of your needs while being treated like shit is what’s causing all of my stress, and–”

“ _God,_ shut up Dee. Dennis was right. People could save so much time if they just said what they wanted to say. We’re here to save you.”

Charlie nods in agreement with Mac’s heroic claim.

“Save me?” she asks in infuriated disbelief.

“From Buddhism,” Charlie chimes in. “I don’t know if you know this Dee, but Buddhism is actually really messed up.” He lowers his voice, “you’re in a cult.”

“What the _hell_ are you two getting at?”

“No, it’s true. Listen to this.” Charlie puts his glasses on and tilts his head to read. “This book is full of propaganda about murder, Guantanamo bay, Cuban political conspiracies, twisted body stuff where they pull off your penis and put it back on–”

“–then they cut it off again!” Mac finishes with emphasis.

“Probably with scissors,” Charlie guesses.

“Yeah, with scissors to make it slow and painful.”

“But you probably won’t have to worry about that one,” Charlie acknowledges.

“Yeah, no, you’re safe from that one,” Mac reassures, joining Charlie in looking at Dee’s body.

There is a short moment of silence, as Dee closes her eyes. “Charlie. What book are you reading?”

“It’s the waitress’ Buddhism book, remember? Weren’t you there this morning, when I brought it in?”

“Oh, no, I remember,” she snaps, ripping the book from his hands. She tries to lift the cover, but it peels slowly from the rest of the novel. “Why is this book damp?”

“Don’t worry,” Mac says, his arm extended, “it’s been cleansed with holy water, courtesy of the Holy Spirit.”

“You two are so stupid,” she says, accepting this outrageous explanation. “God, you completely soaked it. And there’s highlights everywhere. Charlie, you ruined her book.”

“ _We_ ruined her book,” Mac corrects.

“And those highlights are there so she knows what to look out for,” Charlie explains.

Dee begins flipping through, reading out select highlighted words. “’Gautama’? ‘Ego death’? ‘Reincarnation’?”

“No, not that stuff,” Mac says impatiently. “Get to the messed-up stuff.”

“There _is_ no messed up stuff. ‘Meditating in nature’? First of all, why are there little drawings of crap next to that one? Secondly, Charlie, you’re illiterate. Did you two seriously think reincarnation was ‘re-castration’?”

Charlie turns to Mac; Mac is bewildered.

“Charlie, you said you could read!”

“I did?” Charlie asks innocently.

“Yeah, you did. You said you read the dictionary!”

“Well, it’s a long book. I’m only really on the first chapter, so…”

“God damnit,” Mac groans, throwing his hands in the air. “So none of that was true?”

“Yeah,” Dee says mockingly, “turns out Buddhists _aren’t_ murderous Cubans.”

“So…they’re not bad?” Mac asks in a high voice, running his fingers through his hair. Charlie is staring distantly, very confused.

“No.”

“But,” Mac points his finger, one eyebrow raised, “do they believe in God?”

Dee puts a palm on her forehead. “No.”

“Ha! They’re still sinners!” Mac claps his hands together in happy self-confirmation.

“Suck it, Dee!” Dennis calls out, entering the apartment, as the door had been left open. Frank trails behind. Dennis’ silk robe lifts slightly with his momentum. He slowly spins around in spectacle of his own appearance. “You are looking at an enlightened man.”

“Seriously?” Dee asks, folding her arms.

Dennis stops spinning, looking at Dee in confusion and slight disgust. “Why are you sweating so much? Doesn’t matter. I meditated today and experienced ego-death. I am one with nature.”

“Ego-death?” Charlie enters the conversation, “I’m sorry man, but I’m even questioning that one.”

“Yeah man, you’re kind of one of the most egotistical people I know,” Mac adds.

“Can’t believe it, but I second what those two said,” Dee agrees.

“What?” Dennis asks, laughing nervously. “What are you talking about? No, I’m not egotistical.” He fixes his robe, putting on a charming smile. “Frank, tell them. I meditated today.”

Frank doesn’t respond. He is standing quietly next to Dennis, but awkwardly distanced, his eyes slightly glazed over.

“Frank was my witness. Frank, tell Dee that I reached enlightenment.”

Frank still says nothing, but Dennis turns to him and hisses, “Frank!”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, Dennis meditated,” he says passively.

“See?” Dennis smiles, lifting his hands. “Frank can attest.”

“Really Dennis? In one day, with no training, you reached enlightenment?” Dee asks.

“A true Buddhist lives a lifetime in one day,” Dennis proclaims with false pride.

There is a prolonged silence, and all of them look at Frank.

“What a beautiful apartment,” he mumbles with a smile, looking around slowly.

“Holy shit,” Dee says, “Frank is actually enlightened.”

The waitress opens the door to her apartment, ready to leave for work. She looks down and gasps, seeing her book on Buddhism returned at her feet. It has a note written in marker saying, “hears book,” a few mints, and a small pile of manure next to it.


End file.
